this is what i looked like today

so all of us have got stuff penned down deep. layers after layers, obscuring the seed of the problems. until something happens, and that monster rear its ugly head, we'll keep thinking that we can, we can. that we could shove it all down, and tell the mass crowd- "I'm ok", but we're not.

.

tell

.

i put down the phone and something grips me. sometimes we love to hold on to different things. we like that familiar feeling and motions. humans are habitual creatures, they say. but ive learnt over the years (well not that i've had that many years but im on my way) - clingy? not good. i guess it is just that part of us that won't let go. afraid that if you do, something scary and so terrifying will happen and knock you off your two feet. that's wrong. if only you'd let go, and let God, you'd be speaking a different language.

.

we have different ideas of what we would be when we grow older. how we'd become, what kind of friends we'd have, what type of career we'd have, what kind of happyness we would pursue, the ideal life we'll be living, or at least, the ideal life shaped in such a way that it is us, we, us, we, him, maybe. and then He comes and changes the scenario. for that i am very, very, grateful.

.

i used to have my own artpieces, complete with signature on bottom right and date. i used to draw, i find joy in drawing- anything. mostly, they were houses. how my dream house would look like, that perfect landscape, patio, and driveway, the gate arched that way, and the house joined to a tower. sometimes, they are underwater houses with submarine-like windows. i create the family that lives in the underwater house, i create that world, and i absolutely loved it- it had no possibilities, it had no restraints - anything can happen the way i want.

2002: i remember the first time i sketched a face- it was of Elijah Wood, probably because it was the easiest among all the other posters that the edition of Galaxie offered me. then i moved on to other faces and expressions- my parents' wedding portrait, and um, Eminem (i'm not very proud of this), etc. i continued doing that, and i got slightly better at it. i could sketch quite quickly, spot out the very prominent features and not so prominent ones, shade the cheekbone in the accurate shade, angle the lines and wrinkles correctly, make sure the texture of his hair was similarly so. all of them were neatly filed in a clear holder, and now, i don't even know where i keep that holder anymore, or was it out in the stash of rubbish that was cleared when we shifted.

this is me talking, a person who always loved creations, dead or alive, and view them more than what they are. this is me, made up with the same ADGC as anyone else albeit too much imagination going on up there. this is me, who for a long period of my live did not want to end up like those people you see on tv, dressed in suits, looking smug and boring.

2010: this is me at present- analysing annual reports in the dead of night, balancing balance sheets (sometimes i still don't), looking at the cold hard figures, and... i... actually don't see more than what they are - figures.

Heh.

and while

my room is now tinted with an almost perfect yellow hue of the afternoon sunshine. i come back to this familiar, yet uninteresting space. my thoughts the past few months have been coming and going, and He holds all things together. i wonder if yesterday or yesteryears moments could be relived. well i used to. but im looking onward, and while nostalgia can be a bittersweet thing curdling your emotions, im glad to be made stronger :)

pronto!

What keeps me going after a long day (there are many, or two, variations as to a 'long day', it could either be satisfying or draining):-

1. God

2. reading stories after stories of people who are really out there doing something for Him

3. people (usually unnamed) doing kind deeds

4. just watching the world go by and realise my existence and purpose in this whole system

What kept me curious:

Watching this tough rough guy sitting alone in the food court, amidst the noisy crowd, and he lowered his head and said a long grace,

...then he opened his beer cans.

jelly beans and rice

and so i attempt to pen(type) down details for as much as i can remember. but time itself is finite, we only have this much.

can you hear april sounding? this friday is Good Friday. this week proves to be a crucial week for many, i myself is no exception. but i want to be better.

A quarter of 2010 sliced away, and i ask myself- what do i do to make it worth? He tells me the answer. and, the past three months have been superb

i'm determined.
i'm determined not to run solely on emotions again, ever.
"the heart of the matter is the matter of the heart."
.
quietly i wait.

crossing out the different tasks achieved. relieved, that in hindsight, i've left it all behind. like tearing off the pages you made a mess on, it gives you great comfort to know that the book is still pretty much very thick for you to fill in later on.

oh but don't tear too much on impulse

it's never about the circumstances

i guess we could choose to. it is after all but a choice, a thin line curved between the two areas. minimal carrying too much weight. sometimes decisions get a bit tied up, then we should know better - leave the choosing to God

pending

and so it all started again, the whole hoo-ha, the little mountains. but i am glad for many other things, and to find myself made more courageous by Him, that was one.
.
like always, you go to places, and i can't follow
.
21 days of this commitment i made, i believe for much, believe with me.
.
#1: Excuses can only get us that far.
#2: Preach the gospel, when necessary, use words.
#3: Being faithful with the little gives us more.
#4: It's the personal walk with God that makes us a great Christian.
#5: Take short accounts, that's how you win.
#6: It is not easy for you to miss God's will, if you really want to do it.
#7: You can't share what you don't have.
#8: God builds up new stories for you over the years!
#9: Every dream comes with a testing.
#10: Live like something big is going to happen tomorrow.

closure

fledgling

that we were once only freshmen, brains only capable of that much. how reality sets in, and life itself changes. that once, you and i could be, and what happened in between was life, life itself. do you think you have life now? i know i do, i have Christ, and to me, that is life.

lineage

Haven't been coming back to this space for a long time now. Today's the 20th of Feb, 51 days of 2010 is gone/strategically used. I'd like to believe the latter, which rest assured, IS true! Less of me, more of Him.
.
Even as I'm typing this, my head is spinning, like the whirring of a washing machine. I'm determined not to make any boo-boos that I would regret at the end of this year. I'm geared up for March and even as that part of me might be stumped, I choose to turned it into a lesson, a lesson learnt.
.
If I could say that, I would, but it is not right.

back to irregular meal times, confined space, unpleasant takeaways, same old room

:(

but that aside, everything's going to be good

:)

street lamps

we could almost see what's coming, we talk about the structure, an idea, a plan. we use history, intellect, judgement. some are certained, some- wavering.

must there really be structure?
-
today was a day of sorts, so many Christmas moments, so many hearty laughs, warmth, punches, and reminder (do you still wonder at His birth? If yes, are you doing something- telling it to the world?), placing things down on our mind map, tracing the different paths we took or will be taking, weighing the consequences of each one not taken, putting a flag on our point of difference, mapping out our opportunity costs, realizing that things will never be the same.

life goes on, and on the 30th, it will be another milestone.

we took a long turn, and then the engine revved. the car steered away.

closure

as we come to an end, i give thanks, even for the simplest of things.

this year has been infinitely great, and it is only the beginning. of the ups and downs, sideways swerving, crazy moments, i will need to embrace myself because darn, let's face it, there are many many more crazyx1000 moments to come.

yes, words fail me but i attempt.

sometimes archives serve as a chart/reminder (painful or not) because you can look through them, and measure your growth, if any. i look at april, and some juncture before that, I thank God He brought me through step by step, to a place where amazing grace, love, mercy, just overwhelm me.

there are yet so many boxes to be open, so many difficult moments, so many I-don't-know's and I'm-not-sure's. But I lean on the fact that He never fails, He is always listening, and we should always be trusting.

most of all, i want to be that person He wants me to be, especially in 2029.

words still fail, but at least, i tried.

two thousand nine

the street lights form dancing shadows on me, in that pitch black darkness of a moment, i realized.
.
just like that, 2009 is marching past me.

brf

again, reminded. i lift it all up to You :)
.
next year will be crazy, crazy fun. i'm looking forward, and feeling excited over just handing in my application. it will be amazing, and i'd really like to equip myself before starting uni. i hope my parents are happy. 29th Dec will be tense, but i know i have God, and He's on my side.
.
will need to do some last minute packing and cleaning tomorrow, and run around coll a little.

light

everything seems to be going so fast lately, like sliding down a slide, a steep one. i once watched this video of a man sliding through life, from birth and into various phases - school, college, society, marriage, kids, and finally sliding into his coffin. time is swift and that itself is such an understatement. things have been taking on a hectic toll these days, and it's hectic in a good way. i like it, i am excited. although there are other opportunity costs to be dismissed, but oh well. my stomachs have been acting a little strange. tonight the moon was pretty, it glowed and looked almost like the sun, except painted on a dark velvety background.

underneath the stars, just a simple man and wife, somewhere in the dark, his words cut the silent night, "take my hand, for the child- that you carry is God's own."

vegetable cars

"guard your heart."
that's right.
"you suck at comforting."
that's also quite right. i need to learn, to fight out of those awkward moments and actually say something relevant or relatable.
.
OA! oh, so excited!
.
no additional distractions unless You permit, Lord.
and You always find ways to speak to me, thank You:)

water

today i bumped into an old friend. it was swift.

i heard someone calling my name, and turned around to find this very familiar face staring at me. a face i remember to be from my jit sin high school days. and strangely, my mind was working excellently at that moment, because after leaving penang, this person and i had never keep in touch, and now, 4 years later, her name just came to me like that. she found it strange that i remembered her name, well i found it strange too.

life surprises us all sometimes.

face

They depict a lot, don't they? But what if they depict wrongly?
.
I've always knew that my smile/grin can be too extreme sometimes, very exaggerated, when in fact in my perspective, I was just being glad, and not too overly happy. But there will always be comments like, "Why are you grinning like that? What happened?" And again, to clarify, "Oh I'm just smiling normally, am I not?"

"No."

Of late, the situation worsened. While looking happy may not be necessarily a bad thing, I look angry too. A normal straight face, with intention to show concern, or to display a modicum of being professional had been regarded as anger. Again, the muscles exaggerated! Not me! This concerns me because it would be really bad if my facial expressions are all mixed up, or exaggerated to a scale of 1:100.

I fear I may be misunderstooded.

Oh well :S

pincher

i can't grab hold of this year, it's flashing past way too fast. but i loved every bit, and i love and i will love.

nowadays i get a bit fidgety to know exams are going to end and that means college is too. (yes even though that does not make any tremendous difference on my part but the line 'college is going to end' sounds much too sophisticated to be left out.)

this weekend had been so so good. God is, always.
.
"Night is weighing heavy now.
Be quiet and wait for a voice that will say

Come awake
From sleep, arise
You were dead
You’ve come alive

Wake up wake up
Open your eyes
Climb from your grave
Into the light."

irony ; 2 days

i like that i can retrace my thoughts kept in the archive, and remember the connection of drafting them in relation to past events. it makes me feel happy, that somehow i've checked all those boxes off. so many more boxes to go