this is what i looked like today

so all of us have got stuff penned down deep. layers after layers, obscuring the seed of the problems. until something happens, and that monster rear its ugly head, we'll keep thinking that we can, we can. that we could shove it all down, and tell the mass crowd- "I'm ok", but we're not.

.

tell

.

i put down the phone and something grips me. sometimes we love to hold on to different things. we like that familiar feeling and motions. humans are habitual creatures, they say. but ive learnt over the years (well not that i've had that many years but im on my way) - clingy? not good. i guess it is just that part of us that won't let go. afraid that if you do, something scary and so terrifying will happen and knock you off your two feet. that's wrong. if only you'd let go, and let God, you'd be speaking a different language.

.

we have different ideas of what we would be when we grow older. how we'd become, what kind of friends we'd have, what type of career we'd have, what kind of happyness we would pursue, the ideal life we'll be living, or at least, the ideal life shaped in such a way that it is us, we, us, we, him, maybe. and then He comes and changes the scenario. for that i am very, very, grateful.

.

i used to have my own artpieces, complete with signature on bottom right and date. i used to draw, i find joy in drawing- anything. mostly, they were houses. how my dream house would look like, that perfect landscape, patio, and driveway, the gate arched that way, and the house joined to a tower. sometimes, they are underwater houses with submarine-like windows. i create the family that lives in the underwater house, i create that world, and i absolutely loved it- it had no possibilities, it had no restraints - anything can happen the way i want.

2002: i remember the first time i sketched a face- it was of Elijah Wood, probably because it was the easiest among all the other posters that the edition of Galaxie offered me. then i moved on to other faces and expressions- my parents' wedding portrait, and um, Eminem (i'm not very proud of this), etc. i continued doing that, and i got slightly better at it. i could sketch quite quickly, spot out the very prominent features and not so prominent ones, shade the cheekbone in the accurate shade, angle the lines and wrinkles correctly, make sure the texture of his hair was similarly so. all of them were neatly filed in a clear holder, and now, i don't even know where i keep that holder anymore, or was it out in the stash of rubbish that was cleared when we shifted.

this is me talking, a person who always loved creations, dead or alive, and view them more than what they are. this is me, made up with the same ADGC as anyone else albeit too much imagination going on up there. this is me, who for a long period of my live did not want to end up like those people you see on tv, dressed in suits, looking smug and boring.

2010: this is me at present- analysing annual reports in the dead of night, balancing balance sheets (sometimes i still don't), looking at the cold hard figures, and... i... actually don't see more than what they are - figures.

Heh.