North Pole

2010-08-10T09:50:00.000-07:00

sometimes, i am at a loss for words.

un-chronologically

2010-08-02T09:52:00.000-07:00

one day, i will tour the world or go backpacking in a foreign country

one day, i will go to one of those places you'd only see in movies and pause for a moment in that surreal realisation

one day, i will cycle or run like a crazy woman along a sunshiny beach for the 1038th time

one day, i will bungee jump

one day, i will visit a tree house

one day, i will cook a complete and edible meal

one day, i will drive and be able to see the front of my car

one day, i will graduate

one day, i will meet Destiny

one day, i will own a house and a car

one day, i will own a trampoline and a cool camera

one day, i will be wrinkly and probably smell like soap

one day, i will lose all my teeth

one day, i will ___

some day, i will face adversities

all days, life has to go on

(TBC, the list goes on)

there can be many "one-day's" in our lives, but i pray that those ''one-day's" will not be a hindrance in our lives, and what we can truly achieve. we live in the TODAY, and today, we are called to be world changers.

today, i am a world changer... and so are you.

love, uncommercialised

2010-07-31T10:55:00.000-07:00

many humans love to take the 'love' game to their own hands. and that have been the root of problems we have in our society today, problems that really break.

many people are just in love with the idea of being in love. and their definition are many a times, inaccurate.

Love comes from God. God's love, is beyond, what our human mind can imagine.

My fuel is that Love- that love that compels you to love others. sometimes, it's really not the word or tongues, but action and deeds .

"And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow--not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love." - Romans 8:38

i say, you can have many great story of love, songs about love, ideas about love, heck, movies about love (Titanic? no) but i know, the day that God sent His only son Jesus, to lay down His life for... me. (you too of course!) it's my Greatest Story of all times. (it beats all your chick and dude flicks like hands down, and the world's obsessive overrated view of The Notebook, i am sorry)

webs

2010-07-31T10:38:00.000-07:00

and there are so many things that i wish to express to the world... some wake up calls i would like to make, all the people i would like to love and see more of them in my lives, strangers i would like to talk to, have warm or funny conversations with, opportunities to tell them about Daddy up there.

then there are ... people. acquaintances that turn into some people i do not quite recognize over the period of time that i would like to ask them "what happened?" they'd most probably shrug tell me "life" or, "get a life"

i think God does not put you in contact with a person's life if He has no intention of you playing a part in the other person's life at all. why do our paths cross? there must be a purpose. love relationship, hate relationship, love-hate relationship? He knows best.

i thank God for the people i've met and known more over the years. for some, i wonder which surface of the earth they're gracing now; for others, i see them virtually and get to sorta know how theyre doing through occasional social network updates or instant messaging means; for the rest, im just so very glad for them :) so very.

above all, my Best Friend. i love Him to bits

i'm trying to be more specific these days, in terms of elaboration. i want to be less vague. this does not stem from Study Skills 101, e.g. "Make goals that are specific and less vague."

this is what i looked like today

2010-07-14T09:18:00.000-07:00

so all of us have got stuff penned down deep. layers after layers, obscuring the seed of the problems. until something happens, and that monster rear its ugly head, we'll keep thinking that we can, we can. that we could shove it all down, and tell the mass crowd- "I'm ok", but we're not.

tell

i put down the phone and something grips me. sometimes we love to hold on to different things. we like that familiar feeling and motions. humans are habitual creatures, they say. but ive learnt over the years (well not that i've had that many years but im on my way) - clingy? not good. i guess it is just that part of us that won't let go. afraid that if you do, something scary and so terrifying will happen and knock you off your two feet. that's wrong. if only you'd let go, and let God, you'd be speaking a different language.

we have different ideas of what we would be when we grow older. how we'd become, what kind of friends we'd have, what type of career we'd have, what kind of happyness we would pursue, the ideal life we'll be living, or at least, the ideal life shaped in such a way that it is us, we, us, we, him, maybe. and then He comes and changes the scenario. for that i am very, very, grateful.

i used to have my own artpieces, complete with signature on bottom right and date. i used to draw, i find joy in drawing- anything. mostly, they were houses. how my dream house would look like, that perfect landscape, patio, and driveway, the gate arched that way, and the house joined to a tower. sometimes, they are underwater houses with submarine-like windows. i create the family that lives in the underwater house, i create that world, and i absolutely loved it- it had no possibilities, it had no restraints - anything can happen the way i want.

2002: i remember the first time i sketched a face- it was of Elijah Wood, probably because it was the easiest among all the other posters that the edition of Galaxie offered me. then i moved on to other faces and expressions- my parents' wedding portrait, and um, Eminem (i'm not very proud of this), etc. i continued doing that, and i got slightly better at it. i could sketch quite quickly, spot out the very prominent features and not so prominent ones, shade the cheekbone in the accurate shade, angle the lines and wrinkles correctly, make sure the texture of his hair was similarly so. all of them were neatly filed in a clear holder, and now, i don't even know where i keep that holder anymore, or was it out in the stash of rubbish that was cleared when we shifted.

this is me talking, a person who always loved creations, dead or alive, and view them more than what they are. this is me, made up with the same ADGC as anyone else albeit too much imagination going on up there. this is me, who for a long period of my live did not want to end up like those people you see on tv, dressed in suits, looking smug and boring.

2010: this is me at present- analysing annual reports in the dead of night, balancing balance sheets (sometimes i still don't), looking at the cold hard figures, and... i... actually don't see more than what they are - figures.

Heh.

and while

2010-06-19T02:23:00.000-07:00

my room is now tinted with an almost perfect yellow hue of the afternoon sunshine. i come back to this familiar, yet uninteresting space. my thoughts the past few months have been coming and going, and He holds all things together. i wonder if yesterday or yesteryears moments could be relived. well i used to. but im looking onward, and while nostalgia can be a bittersweet thing curdling your emotions, im glad to be made stronger :)

we're in a system

2010-05-15T09:07:00.000-07:00

To appreciate the relationship between parts and wholes in living systems, we do not need to study nature at the microscopic level.

If you gaze up at the nighttime sky, you see all of the sky visible from where you stand. Yet the pupil of your eye, fully open, is less than a centimeter across. Somehow, light from the whole of the sky must be present in the small space of your eye. And if your pupil were only half as large, or only one quarter as large, this would still be so. Light from the entirety of the nighttime sky is present in every space - no matter how small.

This is exactly the same phenomenon evident in a hologram. The 3 dimensional image created by interacting laser beams can be cut in half indefinitely, and each piece, no matter how small, will still contain the entire image. This reveals what is perhaps the most mysterious aspects of parts and wholes: as physicist Henri Bortoft says, "Everything is in everything."

pronto!

2010-04-15T06:25:00.000-07:00

What keeps me going after a long day (there are many, or two, variations as to a 'long day', it could either be satisfying or draining):-

1. God

2. reading stories after stories of people who are really out there doing something for Him

3. people (usually unnamed) doing kind deeds

4. just watching the world go by and realise my existence and purpose in this whole system

What kept me curious:

Watching this tough rough guy sitting alone in the food court, amidst the noisy crowd, and he lowered his head and said a long grace,

...then he opened his beer cans.

those yesterday feelings

2010-04-06T04:44:00.002-07:00

this is me here, typing out paragraphs after paragraphs, 26 alphabets rearranged again and again to form meaning, albeit too much emotions. then i thought "maybe this should not be here", so i pressed 'delete' and this is what you see. typical?

jelly beans and rice

2010-03-29T08:36:00.000-07:00

and so i attempt to pen(type) down details for as much as i can remember. but time itself is finite, we only have this much.

can you hear april sounding? this friday is Good Friday. this week proves to be a crucial week for many, i myself is no exception. but i want to be better.

A quarter of 2010 sliced away, and i ask myself- what do i do to make it worth? He tells me the answer. and, the past three months have been superb

2010-03-25T10:47:00.001-07:00

i'm determined.
i'm determined not to run solely on emotions again, ever.
"the heart of the matter is the matter of the heart."
.
quietly i wait.

crossing out the different tasks achieved. relieved, that in hindsight, i've left it all behind. like tearing off the pages you made a mess on, it gives you great comfort to know that the book is still pretty much very thick for you to fill in later on.

oh but don't tear too much on impulse

haitch

2010-03-24T07:53:00.001-07:00

" And there are always people who find their lives have become so unsupportable they believe the best thing they could do would be to hasten their transition to another plane of existence.

It's like the people who believe they'll be happy if they go and live somewhere else, but it doesn't work that way. Wherever you go, you take yourself with you."

it's never about the circumstances

2010-03-19T10:46:00.002-07:00

i guess we could choose to. it is after all but a choice, a thin line curved between the two areas. minimal carrying too much weight. sometimes decisions get a bit tied up, then we should know better - leave the choosing to God

pending

2010-03-19T10:14:00.000-07:00

and so it all started again, the whole hoo-ha, the little mountains. but i am glad for many other things, and to find myself made more courageous by Him, that was one.
.
like always, you go to places, and i can't follow
.
21 days of this commitment i made, i believe for much, believe with me.
.
#1: Excuses can only get us that far.
#2: Preach the gospel, when necessary, use words.
#3: Being faithful with the little gives us more.
#4: It's the personal walk with God that makes us a great Christian.
#5: Take short accounts, that's how you win.
#6: It is not easy for you to miss God's will, if you really want to do it.
#7: You can't share what you don't have.
#8: God builds up new stories for you over the years!
#9: Every dream comes with a testing.
#10: Live like something big is going to happen tomorrow.

closure

refresh

2010-03-07T08:05:00.000-08:00

today was another day. like all others days, He spoke.

Los Angeles Tower

2010-03-06T05:57:00.001-08:00

Andrew: There's a handful of normal kids thing I kind of missed.
Sam: There's a handful of normal kids thing I kind of wished I'd missed.

fledgling

2010-03-06T05:34:00.000-08:00

that we were once only freshmen, brains only capable of that much. how reality sets in, and life itself changes. that once, you and i could be, and what happened in between was life, life itself. do you think you have life now? i know i do, i have Christ, and to me, that is life.

spotless mind

2010-02-27T09:21:00.001-08:00

Clementine: This is it, Joel. It's going to be soon.
Joel: I know.
Clementine: What do we do?
Joel: Enjoy it.

lineage

2010-02-19T22:01:00.000-08:00

Haven't been coming back to this space for a long time now. Today's the 20th of Feb, 51 days of 2010 is gone/strategically used. I'd like to believe the latter, which rest assured, IS true! Less of me, more of Him.
.
Even as I'm typing this, my head is spinning, like the whirring of a washing machine. I'm determined not to make any boo-boos that I would regret at the end of this year. I'm geared up for March and even as that part of me might be stumped, I choose to turned it into a lesson, a lesson learnt.
.
If I could say that, I would, but it is not right.

why am i not surprised

2010-02-09T08:00:00.002-08:00

of dried leaves on the ground, large canines with endearing eyes, banana topping on homemade pancakes, bruschetta and porridge start, beatboxing on the spot, soulful acapella performances from nigeria and kenya, sunlight streaks through the top of trees. pretty? yes, very much so.

God works

because i guess

2010-02-04T09:54:00.000-08:00

and the old wives' tale rewind again. i listen, i try to retort but i can't, then again i was never good at retorting.
it was true at some points, i kept silent.

humans are always so weak, so fragile, so deceitful, so selfish. i thank Him for changing us, at least one step at a time.

this whole journey opened up my eyes. shifted my perspective, nudge me right on my forehead. what is exciting? really, really exciting? knowing He got it all planned out for you.

all i have to do is ask.

i'd rather

2010-01-25T08:12:00.000-08:00

human are emotional beings.

lately, i've collected and recorded so many quotes from just different people in my lives. one day, i will compile it nicely and type it down here. (because typing is so much easier than writing).

i've been going to work everyday. stuffing my pockets full with hands-on training, practical, passed-down knowledge, most of all, Him. i'm grateful, and while at that, i need to learn to be less vague, seriously. even in journaling.

i came across this nice poem- good women. will share soon

gold

2010-01-17T08:08:00.000-08:00

i haven't been able to compose myself and walk in that cold white wall of a room for quite some time already. i take a few steps up and then detour. being busy is one thing, or it could be that i choose not to. i don't want to see my disappointment printed on papers. i don't want to be greeted again with unpleasant realities. it's hard to breathe in, and escaping with sheer cowardice seems to be the most convenient route. but He says another thing, and I listen, so maybe, it's one of these days.

2010-01-14T08:06:00.000-08:00

it's moments like these that...

life goes on.

bream

2010-01-11T01:54:00.000-08:00

you are a pretty little dewdrop
holding on for dear life
do you know that if you let go
you'd still survive?

you'd flow like the others into the stream
gushing and rushing; close to the brim
the pace of the path will be oh so swift
dangerously wild and only then life begins

wreath

2010-01-11T00:17:00.000-08:00

odd little coloured papers,
shaped at wrong angles,
jut out in an awkward manner,
corners oppose each other,
she is torn asunder.

mid

2010-01-03T01:28:00.000-08:00

let's see how this goes. He is definitely in the picture.
.
there and then the foolish emotions drain you dry. i was reminded again of faults, of whys, of my own selfish reasons. there and then i had a slight glimpse of the real thing. and i learnt, I - me - myself, sometimes it just doesn't fit in with His plans. sometimes that's all it takes for the xx.xx

i now know why, i now think i know why. i want to see it happen by 30-12-2010.
help me with this, will You?

yet again, joseph inspired.

2010-01-01T21:53:00.000-08:00

back to irregular meal times, confined space, unpleasant takeaways, same old room

:(

but that aside, everything's going to be good

:)

times

2009-12-29T06:35:00.000-08:00

curiosity irks
expectation smirks

dissolve

i praise You still

ecclesiastes

2009-12-25T09:12:00.000-08:00

3

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:

a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

street lamps

2009-12-25T08:52:00.003-08:00

we could almost see what's coming, we talk about the structure, an idea, a plan. we use history, intellect, judgement. some are certained, some- wavering.

must there really be structure?
-
today was a day of sorts, so many Christmas moments, so many hearty laughs, warmth, punches, and reminder (do you still wonder at His birth? If yes, are you doing something- telling it to the world?), placing things down on our mind map, tracing the different paths we took or will be taking, weighing the consequences of each one not taken, putting a flag on our point of difference, mapping out our opportunity costs, realizing that things will never be the same.

life goes on, and on the 30th, it will be another milestone.

we took a long turn, and then the engine revved. the car steered away.

2009-12-24T10:08:00.000-08:00

closure

2009-12-22T07:44:00.000-08:00

as we come to an end, i give thanks, even for the simplest of things.

this year has been infinitely great, and it is only the beginning. of the ups and downs, sideways swerving, crazy moments, i will need to embrace myself because darn, let's face it, there are many many more crazyx1000 moments to come.

yes, words fail me but i attempt.

sometimes archives serve as a chart/reminder (painful or not) because you can look through them, and measure your growth, if any. i look at april, and some juncture before that, I thank God He brought me through step by step, to a place where amazing grace, love, mercy, just overwhelm me.

there are yet so many boxes to be open, so many difficult moments, so many I-don't-know's and I'm-not-sure's. But I lean on the fact that He never fails, He is always listening, and we should always be trusting.

most of all, i want to be that person He wants me to be, especially in 2029.

words still fail, but at least, i tried.

two thousand nine

2009-12-17T08:16:00.000-08:00

the street lights form dancing shadows on me, in that pitch black darkness of a moment, i realized.
.
just like that, 2009 is marching past me.

hulk

2009-12-14T07:01:00.000-08:00

I can't seem to have my way with words even more so now that the year is coming to an end. Tis' odd.

brf

2009-12-08T08:23:00.000-08:00

again, reminded. i lift it all up to You :)
.
next year will be crazy, crazy fun. i'm looking forward, and feeling excited over just handing in my application. it will be amazing, and i'd really like to equip myself before starting uni. i hope my parents are happy. 29th Dec will be tense, but i know i have God, and He's on my side.
.
will need to do some last minute packing and cleaning tomorrow, and run around coll a little.

blot

2009-12-08T08:08:00.000-08:00

october 6th, 2009
I ride on this tall wave of indefinite things
But my heart longs for consistency and sings
Hey won't you come and sit with me now
For everything seems fine on this side of the town
-
ooh, i've polkadots skin! :)

sunshine

2009-12-06T17:06:00.000-08:00

lead me to the place, where I can see, amazing grace will carry me.

As I was stepping out, each step taken deliberately, the crunch of the gravel and soft sand, the sinking of the shoes in wet soil (mud) and lifting your feet up thereafter, the going up and coming down, the different sets of path and zones, and how it is always, always easy to follow others' preceding steps.

The maze of bushes, stumbling through the waist-high plants, waddling in ice-cold waters, with strong current rushing past your body and you cling on to big solid rocks. Stepping on stones, feeling the cold algae surface. Looking at how the kids live, they live simply.

Candles and generators, insects rejoicing with new food, bamboos, genuine happy smiles on people. How our Father is everywhere, omnipresent and big, how language is no barrier for us to communicate with Him. He listens to everyone everyday, since the beginning of time. He understands.

The two and a half days were well worth it. These are mere words, and some are still repressed.

molecules pt 2

2009-12-02T10:07:00.000-08:00

so we sailed away into a gray sky morning
we all need to be watchful, at least I want to be watchful for when the time comes, I will run to Him.
sometimes we're like adhesive pieces, but yet i want so much to tear away, if only we don't make so much noise like Velcros.
.
lately my sentences interject each other disorderly. ah, brains

light

2009-12-01T08:22:00.000-08:00

everything seems to be going so fast lately, like sliding down a slide, a steep one. i once watched this video of a man sliding through life, from birth and into various phases - school, college, society, marriage, kids, and finally sliding into his coffin. time is swift and that itself is such an understatement. things have been taking on a hectic toll these days, and it's hectic in a good way. i like it, i am excited. although there are other opportunity costs to be dismissed, but oh well. my stomachs have been acting a little strange. tonight the moon was pretty, it glowed and looked almost like the sun, except painted on a dark velvety background.

underneath the stars, just a simple man and wife, somewhere in the dark, his words cut the silent night, "take my hand, for the child- that you carry is God's own."

2009-11-27T00:45:00.000-08:00

" I almost wish we were butterflies and liv'd but three summer days - three such days with you I could fill with more delight than fifty common years could ever contain. "

John Keats

vegetable cars

2009-11-26T08:09:00.000-08:00

"guard your heart."
that's right.
"you suck at comforting."
that's also quite right. i need to learn, to fight out of those awkward moments and actually say something relevant or relatable.
.
OA! oh, so excited!
.
no additional distractions unless You permit, Lord.
and You always find ways to speak to me, thank You:)

but right now

2009-11-22T08:01:00.000-08:00

"we got too much time to kill,
like pigeons on my windowsill,
we hang around."
.
aeiou-

kicks

2009-11-17T09:12:00.000-08:00

the atmosphere stiffened a little
everything at that point looked brittle
so we shall just remain like this till it's true
i wonder is that alright with you

water

2009-11-17T08:14:00.001-08:00

today i bumped into an old friend. it was swift.

i heard someone calling my name, and turned around to find this very familiar face staring at me. a face i remember to be from my jit sin high school days. and strangely, my mind was working excellently at that moment, because after leaving penang, this person and i had never keep in touch, and now, 4 years later, her name just came to me like that. she found it strange that i remembered her name, well i found it strange too.

life surprises us all sometimes.

face

2009-11-17T07:53:00.000-08:00

They depict a lot, don't they? But what if they depict wrongly?
.
I've always knew that my smile/grin can be too extreme sometimes, very exaggerated, when in fact in my perspective, I was just being glad, and not too overly happy. But there will always be comments like, "Why are you grinning like that? What happened?" And again, to clarify, "Oh I'm just smiling normally, am I not?"

"No."

Of late, the situation worsened. While looking happy may not be necessarily a bad thing, I look angry too. A normal straight face, with intention to show concern, or to display a modicum of being professional had been regarded as anger. Again, the muscles exaggerated! Not me! This concerns me because it would be really bad if my facial expressions are all mixed up, or exaggerated to a scale of 1:100.

I fear I may be misunderstooded.

Oh well :S

like honeycomb

2009-11-14T07:25:00.000-08:00

"pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones." Proverbs 16:24
.
i should not have done that, but, i learnt. how easily can words slip out? too easily, too wrong, too uncalled for.

dental products

2009-11-13T08:33:00.000-08:00

if you want to sing out, sing out
.
sonic youth's superstar makes me :'(
.
oh thursday, sweet thursday.
.
disjointed sentences syndrome again, but i am trying.

pincher

2009-11-09T07:35:00.000-08:00

i can't grab hold of this year, it's flashing past way too fast. but i loved every bit, and i love and i will love.

nowadays i get a bit fidgety to know exams are going to end and that means college is too. (yes even though that does not make any tremendous difference on my part but the line 'college is going to end' sounds much too sophisticated to be left out.)

this weekend had been so so good. God is, always.
.
"Night is weighing heavy now.
Be quiet and wait for a voice that will say

Come awake
From sleep, arise
You were dead
You’ve come alive

Wake up wake up
Open your eyes
Climb from your grave
Into the light."

2009-11-06T19:23:00.000-08:00

"And the seasons
Will change us new
Be the best I've known
and you know me
I could not be stuck on you
If it were true"

thanksgiving

2009-11-05T18:00:00.000-08:00

irony ; 2 days

2009-11-03T04:51:00.000-08:00

i like that i can retrace my thoughts kept in the archive, and remember the connection of drafting them in relation to past events. it makes me feel happy, that somehow i've checked all those boxes off. so many more boxes to go

sporadically

2009-10-31T09:43:00.000-07:00

1:15am, 1st November 2009
put your palm where your heart is. you can feel it beating rhythmically, steadily. that's when you're reminded that you are alive, and yet ironically, life is so frail. all it takes is for that now tangible heartbeat to stop.

sometimes we fail to take that moment to pause, even for a short while. pause, listen and feel your heart beating, quietly and silently without the stethoscope. be comforted that while your mind may tell you to give up at times, your heart has been doing its job faithfully all along, all these years. and be grateful that He has kept you this way.

here's to a ______ November 2009. cheers

sheepish convulsions

2009-10-27T23:19:00.000-07:00

have you come to a place where you know that, this is it? the familiar yet unfamiliar. you feel like going forward but your legs weigh you down and you either proceed heavily or stop. i don't know what to say sometimes, situations can get pretty awkward and all you can do is to grin sheepishly. but come to think of it, these sheepish moments, they're not too bad actually.

wonka nerds rope

2009-10-25T08:32:00.000-07:00

i am a sentimentalist, safe to say, and i 'd like to really just go by feelings and emotions sometimes. doing this thing makes me feel good, doing that makes me feel something, et cetera. but feelings, they'll drain you. today i learnt that feeling follows faith, it doesn't come first.

discipline is hard, if it is easy, you don't need discipline.

it is not submission if there is no disagreement.

the topic of faithfulness only comes up when you feel like giving up.

rolls

2009-10-22T07:37:00.000-07:00

two more weeks till WACE. i have this deja vu feeling (spm, pmr... descend the chronological exam ladder?). december, won't you come already?

i am in love with december, so very much. there are just too many things i want to do, yet i know that like the last time, i will never actually be able to complete everything i've listed down.

2009-10-20T07:25:00.000-07:00

a cup of sunshine

2009-10-19T03:30:00.000-07:00

knowing you and knowing me, we are on this thin thread. tip-toeing, cautiously, because we can't afford to fall. i relinquish, you retrieve.

winning sundays

2009-10-18T07:30:00.000-07:00

He is too great to give up on. felt secured and assured especially on the [moshpit] just now. and He spoke - "it is I. why do you plan so much?"

Jer 29-11-13:
For I know the plans i have for you, they are the plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope...

again, a gentle reminder - let go, let God.
.
i am humbled

quite bluntly

2009-10-17T07:59:00.000-07:00

October 5, 2009
because these are the things that i would blindly say to you, bluntly and blatantly too. and also because these are the words i could never bring myself to say to you in person, especially in person.

gasp

2009-10-16T10:25:00.000-07:00

the smiley face and the WACE timetable are not a very apt combination.
.
oh when hunger strikes :(

enclosed; opened

2009-10-14T08:02:00.000-07:00

today i found out that oscar wilde is bisexual. he had a wife - charlotte lloyd, and yet he had an affair with alfred douglas.

today was like any other, but 7pm-8.30pm was brilliant. (go CR!)
.
it rained today and i was (sort of) trapped in the library. it was interesting to see the rain pouring heavily outside yet everything is so calm and silent in the library. you can almost hear the swishing wind but all you see is the square frames of rain, like muted tv sets put together in electronics stores. you can almost smell them too, almost.

what do you want to say

2009-10-12T04:51:00.000-07:00

my world is a spinning carousel

00:00, sunday

2009-10-10T08:56:00.000-07:00

too many things cannot be just simply categorized into a this or that. i wish sometimes they were, then i can put you into a box, and carry you around
.
we are sons and daughters, lets run this family business :)

2009-10-09T08:45:00.000-07:00

happiness
anticipation
fear
wanting
doing

of climbing staircases

2009-10-06T08:34:00.000-07:00

each step requires stupendous effort
.
i flipped my heart around
and i could clearly hear the sound
of ticks and chimes
frost and climbs
now begin my journey upward
into this beautiful unknown suburb

hormones

2009-10-05T06:48:00.000-07:00

i went for a jog just now with my earphones tucked, they keep falling off as i jog. i have not been on a run for a long, long time now, so now every joint is aching. is it always like this, is it true that once you've lost the momentum, once you've slowed down and eventually stop, the next beginning at the starting point will always be harder? but i pray that you will come back. come back already.
.
i was gripped by irritations of sorts for a moment, and i blame the [read title]

2009-10-04T07:41:00.000-07:00

swollen eyes learn

2009-10-03T08:49:00.000-07:00

everything was but a blur, everything but you.

what does it take for a man to lay it all down before God?
.
before october takes on a mad spin, let me get this right, please.

sometimes words get choked up and never uttered, sometimes the wrong ones just spill out like wasted water. i do not want to do the latter, neither the former. help me Lord.

promise what you may

2009-09-30T09:11:00.001-07:00

i looked at the tiny bottom right of my phone screen. of course, there it is, 1-Oct-09, blatantly staring back at me.
i can faintly smell 2o1o already, and i have a feeling october will be just supersonic.
.
we were in the room with peeling walls. there we were- the bully, the companion, the story teller. here we are now- the young adult, the person you hear from once in a very long while, the person you have never met for 3 years straight.

tabaloi

2009-09-30T08:20:00.000-07:00

i dislike comparisons and life is so much easier without them, but-
.
right now i see the fluorescent dyes and i can't wait to draw. i see the coarse black paper and plain old fabric and something in me lights up. i wish that ___ is/are a blank canvas and i can do about anything i like. i can go on this crazy coloring frenzy, snipping frenzy, dipping frenzy. wishful and wistful thinking don't always go along with reality.

there's this sinking feeling inside of me, like rose watching jack submerging into the darkness of the ocean, like clare watching henry with his innards spilling out amidst the new year party crowd and can do nothing about it. except this time, the wooden plank suddenly expands and jack can share a portion of it. except this time, henry has cell regenerative power.

2009-09-28T08:16:00.000-07:00

we do the things we do.

passion
.
" When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. Now we see things imperfectly as in a cloudy mirror, but then we will see everything in perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.

Three things will last forever - faith, hope, and love- and the greatest of these is love. "

-1 Cor 13:11

there, said.

P (del) = 1

2009-09-25T11:04:00.000-07:00

sometimes i don't know if humans enjoy being elusive or what

white

2009-09-24T07:08:00.000-07:00

" ...his dear wife, clear and faithful, in his arms,
longed for as the sunwarmed earth is longed for by a swimmer,
spent in rough water as his ship went down,
under Poseidon's blows, gale winds and tons of sea
...
in joy, in joy, knowing the abyss behind."

The Odyssey, Homer

.
i dont know if this feeling is identified with temporary relief, i wish so much that-

mocks are over, will be, in about 10 hours time :)
.
and sometimes what you seem so sure about, can suddenly doesn't seem so in just a split second.

role play

2009-09-20T07:18:00.000-07:00

just thought i would yabber on a little more before i actually start studying. [10.30pm] SMS was good, and nine is in my hands already, can't wait to start after mocks, which is this friday. T.g.i.f. will be really apt.
.
I met a sweet precocious little girl today and I asked her questions inquisitively. She didn't really reply much and that's when I realized that now, I'm the big weird stranger who poses weird unnecessary questions that you don't like to answer to. I'm the weird stranger that looks at you making you really uncomfortable during playtime. mm, time flies

go

2009-09-19T06:39:00.000-07:00

we're timid people. stepping out, going out, from our little fortress of comfort can get pretty scary at times. we take the leap forward, yet we'll always want to look behind. that's when you hear a little voice nudging you, "go", and you do. no matter how scared you are, no matter how worried you are, no matter how trepid your steps are, you do.

oh

2009-09-18T10:48:00.000-07:00

there's this little insect aeroplane flying about the room in circles now. it is lost, it looks like it is just merely searching for a snug cozy place to dream tonight. just simple harmless intentions like that, but right now it's swayed about wildly by the mad air current driven by the fan. bobbing up and down, round and round, sometimes inching closer to me. it's caught in this massive tornado, crying out for help and a ground to land safely. even so, i would very much like my bed to myself, please don't land on it, please............it just did.

update: my roommate, syl, just squished it.

black

2009-09-17T00:52:00.000-07:00

some light stuff,

i thought my arm looked so very disjointed

.
it's 18th of september today, my exam finishes on the 25th, that brings september to an end; then october would come, dragging along some reluctance but more happy findings; after that - november, she be spinning down the road with joy (WACE);

alas... we see december, climbing her long way up, and then, break into a smile.

what i've caught

2009-09-15T08:25:00.000-07:00

" The current status of our life today is the result of the sum of all the decisions we made over the years."

" You must see the invisible to do the impossible."

Dato' Edward Ong, 2009.

this post remains empty

2009-09-14T06:43:00.000-07:00

i tried to do handstands for you
i tried to do headstands for you
but everytime i fell on you
i'm permanently black and blue
permanently blue for you

hums
.
if there had been a seed that grows my thoughts into leaves and a full grown plant with eloquent words tumbling down onto the soil, i'd say all i see in its position now is a patch of dry cracked ground with a slightly sinking surface where the plant was forcefully removed, for now, only now.
.
sometimes i like to walk really slowly as i think, it is as if i'm leaving a trail of thoughts behind as me as i push apart the passage of the air i just walked through, filling the void with my little floating but solid pieces of thoughts

it's been hours now, i can't concentrate, i keep thinking about december, christmas, new year, and how to spend them with all the different geographically placed people i love. econs, go fly kite! or maybe i should just be more focused

lids

2009-09-13T09:25:00.000-07:00

im typing in complete darkness, except for the glaring screen of course.
[while studying for econs]
i had this recollection of us, queuing up before entering the hall to sit for UPSR. everything felt so real. the basketball field, the sunlight, our childish anxious faces and sharpened 2B pencils. i thought to myself at that time, it'll still be a very long way till spm. i was wrong

laughing alone

2009-09-12T02:52:00.000-07:00

WCA was awesome. my september eleven was well spent. will post up strong statements from the two millionaires soon. our God is a BIG God. and now, for more exam related rants, stay tuned.

i think timor leste sounds cute

rush

2009-09-10T21:14:00.000-07:00

spin
my head is a super massive heart of a tornado

2009-09-07T04:26:00.000-07:00

I'm doing my best. Lord help me remove them butterflies in my stomach. thanks
.
September will be over real quick, Christmas will be coming real quick. this year will be over real quick, uni will be coming real quick. ahh Christmas.. Christmas, can I divide myself into halves?

faith

2009-09-04T10:18:00.000-07:00

i'm believing
faith without action is dead (yes li, He puts us on the same page:) )
.
it's raining outside, pitter patter, and the smell that comes with it lingers faintly at the window;
before that the gushing of the wind was felt.
i was not much of a fan of that until today

sugar house

2009-09-03T10:21:00.000-07:00

it's 1.30 in the morning, and while sugar house is playing quietly, "a kiss is all...", i'm here, here and now, supposedly on a study whim but no i'm being melancholic again. i need to stop vomitting words dont you think?

i wonder
[recollecting my thoughts]
process completion

goodnight

thank you

2009-09-03T07:54:00.000-07:00

there's no reason why i can't do this, no reason.
.
i realise that we must overcome, as much as it is uncomfortable, as much as it means putting your guard down for once, as much as it means people will see you, as much as it means you might wobble and fall and then make a big boo boo out of yourself. yes as much as that, you will eventually stand up, and be able to tell the world that- you have overcome. realisation is one thing, doing is another.
.
God paints a beautiful picture. Looking through our own eyes, it seems very much ordinary and pallid but picturing it through his eyes, it's beautiful, really.

2009-09-01T03:26:00.000-07:00

"The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow, from stealing all my time."

I used to like Jason Wade.

"I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart, that's still beating."

exceedingly heart wrenching when it is used as a sountrack, especially in the movie adaptation of one of my favourite books.
.
So this is it, first day of september gone. Time, please stay longer.
Now let me retreat into my nerd shell and finish what's supposed to be finished.

respite:
1) i banged my head while taking a shower but it didn't hurt at all.
2) i'm getting there.
3) guys can get pregnant on facebook, or well, predicted to be.
4) i didn't realise that i was staring at the blinking cursor on the google search bar whilst listening to the background music playing for quite a long while

of blue couches

2009-08-30T10:19:00.000-07:00

here is my current vent when i'm rushing for assignments.
i'm currently drawing data flow diagrams (there is still the exponential headache of pseudocodes coming) with a perfect skill for making mistakes hence the need to readjust the whole diagram, shift the words, circles and previously drawn boxes around. and haven't anyone told you that mistakes are consequential and they bring along the ripple effect, in M.Word at least. Frustrating? it's 1.30a.m., my eyebags grow on fertile soil.

update: it's 2.45a.m

123 goodbye

2009-08-29T10:02:00.000-07:00

this year is not new anymore. we are not, you arent. spill some sentences on the floor, someone might pick it up or trip over it. words are magical. dont you wish balloons can make you fly?
.
Canis Majoris, Beutergeuse, Rigel.

day to day i am in awe of Your majesty.

laminin
.
today i went cycling, and i realized just how long has it been since i last cycled. i almost tripped/knocked into parked cars.

night lights and low tides

2009-08-27T05:11:00.000-07:00

a covenant that needs to be kept
.
the rain reminds me of many things
these images playing in my mind, like old vintage films, grainy and soft;
loud and vivid, lighted just nicely.
all of these images, they envelop me

fuzzy
.

let us travel this distance
walk on stormy shores
walk on graveled path
walk on muddy lands
walk on damp grass
walk on clouds
walk on air

walk against the wind

walk within His boundaries

nobody said it was easy

2009-08-24T04:55:00.001-07:00

do i speak as loud as my heart?

- the scientist

packet

2009-08-23T07:29:00.000-07:00

i think emotions are really what will drive us mad one day. emotions are what will make us do impulsive things that we will regret. emotions are what will drain us and snap us out of our rationality. emotions are like blood icicles to the pack of hungry wolves.

our hearts are deceitful.
.
cling on to Him, and your faith. cling-
.

this is my red brick house

muffin + milk

2009-08-22T09:42:00.000-07:00

. i am a tiny icon in your desktop
. good and tender music really works wonders.
. my brother is -
. i am thankful for a lot of things, you being one of them.

that should do

2009-08-19T07:36:00.000-07:00

this is my 90th post, today is the 19th of august.
.
I told a friend i would start studying for mocks in august, 1st of august.

didn't, and it's the nineteenth.

instant orange juice

2009-08-18T07:57:00.000-07:00

you know what? i wish i could be. i reason with my own head and come up with a load of junk. i shouldn't. I keep thinking that what if things were to take a different path? maybe the answer would come to me like instant orange juice. confirmation just bolt down the road. but then what would i learn? we need to build ourselves first.
.
on the other hand, there's just too many things going on. We need to be unplugged:)

personalized tea bags

2009-08-16T05:38:00.000-07:00

again, a sunday well spent in the House. wouldn't trade it for anything else, am surrendering that one.
.
Love people, love the lost. Dig a space in your heart to do so

liberated

(though nose is clogged and very runny, left ear is thumping , and throat is thankfully better)

on top a hill

2009-08-15T07:31:00.000-07:00

i let myself wander to the source of the reason (hoobastank). it reminded me so much of form 1, and how i recorded it on the MD from the stereo with much effort -perfect timing and all, and played it on an infinite loop.

so tonight, i walked out alone and heard them live, 1km apart. the palette of colours seen from a distance, us strangers standing at the edge of the slope on top of a wobbly wooden bench, accompanied by trees. it felt good, it was nostalgic, quite.

creatures

2009-08-12T08:47:00.000-07:00

i drank more than 5 litres of water today. i am a sea, a portable one.

tired sandals

2009-08-12T06:34:00.000-07:00

i need to rely more on Him, and not my flesh.
.
learn to love people, yes even those with no filter for inane speeches.
.
it was tiring just now. flip flops that has no grip is not a very good idea on slippery roads. the bus took one hour to arrive, and if there were an indecisiveness showdown, we would beat everyone else hands down. i realise that when there is nothing else to do, staring at water can even be entertaining. but it was after all a water fountain, so i'm not that much of a weirdo. the hostel side gate is permanently closed, and i like to think that i was the last set of feet that walked through it before it was officially closed. the time was 7pm. it's a bit historical.

my throat is sore, i drank some very bitter tea just now, apparently it helps sore throat. please work